Disney’s New Storyliving Health Press Release Reads Like an SNL Skit featuring Stefon. Disney’s newest trend is Health and Fitness at Cotino, the first Storyliving by Disney community in Rancho Mirage, California. We got the press release today, at the same time Disney Parks Blog released the information to guests. While we are huge supporters of the Disney brand, we couldn’t get Stefon’s voice out of our heads while reading the descriptions.
First, we will put in the actual wording from the Disney Parks Storyliving press release. If you are anything like us, with a weird and kind of off-type of humor, then you may start reading them like Stefon, the character Bill Hader played on Saturday Night Live’s Weekend Update skit. For example, the actual press release says:
Incredibles Super Circuit –
A fast-paced, full-body “Super Circuit” will channel the powers of the Disney and Pixar film “The Incredibles” into an action-packed circuit workout. Members will sprint with Dash’s lightning speed, lift with Mr. Incredible’s super strength, and stretch with Elastigirl’s famous flexibility. It will be a dynamic, high-energy session designed to push limits, build strength and agility, and summon members’ inner hero.
Seriously, it reads like Stefon is trying to be serious! So we added our own version:
Welcome! New York’s hottest fitness club is the Super Circuit! This place has everything: Pixar, pecs, the ghost of a roller-skating Chinchilla, and a full-body circuit that makes you say, “Wait, is this a gym or a really sweaty haunted house?” You’ll be sprinting with Dash’s speed next to Gerard, a six-foot-tall baby who only communicates through interpretive dance and the smell of jasmine! You’ll lift with Mr. Incredible’s strength, but watch out! The weights are actually live, angry lobsters called The Crustaceans of Fury!
Then there’s the Elasti-Girl stretch. You’ll be doing a split next to a ball pit full of discarded wigs, a single strobe light, and the city’s foremost expert on competitive thumb wrestling, Lil’ Nasty, who also DJs. It’s a high-energy, dynamic session designed to push your limits, build your strength, and forget you just paid $40 for a bottle of water. Can you believe they let me in?
Encanto Latin Dance Cardio –
A high-energy La n cardio class will draw inspiration from the vibrant music and culture of Walt Disney Animation Studios’ “Encanto,” blending Colombian dance styles like cumbia, mapalé, and porro into a joyful workout for dancers of all levels. Each track will invoke the spirit of a different Madrigal — from Luisa’s powerful drive, to Isabela’s effortless grace, to Mirabel’s spark and heart. Designed to open body and spirit, this session will keep members moving, smiling, and sweating from start to finish.
Stefon Again! You’re back! New York’s hottest dance class is Encanto Latin Dance Cardio!
This place has everything: Latin cardio, Colombian dance, the Madrigals, and a sweaty mime named Bartholomew who silently judges your cumbia form! You’ll be doing joyous styles like mapalé and porro right next to a woman who is currently wearing five different Fitbits and weeping! Each track is a Madrigal:
- Luisa’s drive, you squat next to “Tiny Tony,” a poodle in boxing gloves who has an aggressive tax evasion problem.
- Isabela’s grace, you turn right into a bin of discarded wigs and glitter!
- Mirabel’s heart, you do high-knees with the instructor—a life-sized ventriloquist dummy named Señor Pepin—while distant, panicking rats play in the background!
It’s designed to open the body and spirit, keep you moving, and make you question all your life choices. Seriously, this place is insane.
Stitch & Splash –
Inspired by Stitch’s unpredictable spirit, a high-energy paddleboard experience on Co no Bay will offer a one-of-a-kind workout where balance, fun, and a little chaos collide. This series of core-strength sequences, power moves, and surprise challenges will keep members on their toes (and sometimes in the water) as they wobble, splash, and embrace imperfection, the Experiment 626 way.
Stefon? Welcome! New York’s hottest water sport is the Stitch Paddleboard Experience!
This class has everything: Core strength, chaos, unpredictable spirits, and a tiny, angry, hairless chihuahua in a life vest named Mr. Floofers! Set along the murky waters of Cono Bay (still a kiddie pool with pond scum!), you’ll embrace imperfection as the instructor, “Wavey” Dave, fires a water pistol at you every time you wobble!
You’ll do power moves right next to a person secretly filming a documentary about invasive species! The “surprise challenges” include:
Dodging The Great Conehead Eel (a pool noodle with a face). Trading your board for a stale donut with Shifty Shane, who only accepts library cards. Paddling past The Whistling Seagulls of Disappointment—they only whistle when your form is bad!
It’s a one-of-a-kind workout, the Experiment 626 way, leaving you energized, damp, and questioning your decision to wear white shorts. Seriously, I think I just saw a crab in a tiny top hat.
Disney’s New Storyliving Health Press Release Reads Like an SNL Skit featuring Stefon
Okay, we’re done, or at least we will just stop there for the day. Sometimes you just need a laugh, and we like sharing those funny moments with you!
If you would like to read about the new Cotino, Storyliving by Disney, go for it. But, it is too much for us, and we know we could never afford to live in a place like this!
